when parenting hurts

By Keisha Singleton, Counsellor

Becoming a parent can be a wonderful time in your life. For many people, the parenting journey begins with pregnancy. The decision to become a parent is a big one, and you can think that you are ready for this life change yet find that once it begins, you feel that this is not what you had expected.

Now there are many ways that the pregnancy/postpartum period can bring unexpected surprises - growing in ways that you didn’t imagine, having the sex of the baby be not what you expected, or finding that you are not enjoying it as much as you thought you would. However, one way that having a baby can surprise you is by causing you to experience re-traumatisation.

Why Pregnancy Can Cause Feelings of Trauma

You don’t often expect that pregnancy or childbirth will trigger feelings of past trauma, but it happens more often than you would think.

For a person with a history of miscarriage, they may relive this trauma throughout their current pregnancy. For someone with disordered eating and body image issues in their past, pregnancy or post-baby-body can trigger these feelings to surface again, and have you reliving that past trauma. If you are a person who has a history of sexual abuse, the trauma can arise in different ways, perhaps feeling that you’re losing control of your body autonomy, or worrying about having a baby who shares the same sex as your abuser.

As you can see, there are many different ways that having a baby can cause you to feel that past trauma once again. The difficulty is that for the person experiencing this, what is happening is not always obvious, especially during pregnancy and postpartum. Perhaps they have not recognised that what they are experiencing is in fact trauma, or, perhaps they do know this, but they are trying to push it down and ignore it. Unfortunately, trauma does not go away that easily. You have to face it in order to conquer it.

“As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.”

― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

What are the Signs and Symptoms of Trauma and Re-traumatisation?

First, let us take a look at the signs and symptoms of trauma so you know what to be on the lookout for.

Emotional and psychological symptoms include:

●     Shock, denial, or disbelief

●     Confusion, difficulty concentrating

●     Anger, irritability, mood swings

●     Anxiety and fear

●     Guilt, shame, self-blame

●     Withdrawing from others

●     Feeling sad or hopeless

●     Feeling disconnected or numb

Physical symptoms include:

●     Insomnia or nightmares

●     Fatigue

●     Being startled easily

●     Difficulty concentrating

●     Racing heartbeat

●     Edginess and agitation

●     Aches and pains

●     Muscle tension

Of course, some of these symptoms are regular pregnancy and postpartum symptoms - tiredness, aches and pains, and disrupted sleep are all expected when you’re growing a baby or raising a newborn. Additionally, with the influx of hormones you experience, it's expected that there will be some mood swings.

It is when it is impacting on your day-to-day functioning that you know that this isn’t a normal pregnancy/postpartum experience, but something else. When you’re so exhausted but too wired to sleep, hungry but feel that you cannot physically eat, and you can feel your heart racing faster than usual. Then there are the extreme emotions - outbursts of anger and uncontrollable weepiness, among others.

These may be symptoms of trauma (or even post-partum/pre-natal depression). If you recognise these symptoms, then reach out for help.

How Do I Cope with Feelings of Trauma?

Keep Company

Don’t self-isolate. When we feel really awful its a natural reaction for many of us to want to shut ourselves off from the rest of the world, but as needed as that feels, it will not help. Isolating yourself can begin that cycle of being alone, lowering your mood, and then isolating yourself even further. Try to spend your time with someone else, even if that means sitting with someone else in silence, or talking on the phone for a few minutes a day.

Move Your Body

It is well known that exercise helps not only our bodies, but also our minds. This does not have to be intimidating, it can be something as simple as a fifteen minute walk or a stretch session in your living room.

Take Care of Your Body

Create healthy habits, such as good sleep hygiene, and putting good food into your body. Start with small swaps - if you’re indulging in fast-food, swap burgers for chicken sushi. If you’re used to being on your phone right up until bedtime, turn it off fifteen minutes before, and slowly increase this number.

Practice Mindfulness

Trauma can cause a disconnection between mind and body. Reconnect by regularly engaging in mindful activities to bring you back to the present moment.

-       Mindful breathing. Taking even as little as five deep breaths can bring you back to a sense of calm when you’re in a highly emotional state, or when you’re experiencing dissociation.

-       Sensory input. Create a sensory kit to help you stay present and calm. Something to touch, taste, smell, see, and hear. Make it small and portable so you can carry it around and use it when you’re triggered.

-       Ground yourself. If you’re sitting in a chair, push your back into the seat and notice how it feels. If you’re standing, feel the pressure of your feet on the floor.

The Final Word: Speak to a Professional

In order to heal, you need to accept that you need help. Whether you talk to your GP, a psychologist, or a counsellor, ensure that you reach out to someone. Be honest in what is happening and open to help.

Talking about your trauma can help you in so many ways. Firstly, you process the trauma - you make sense of it. It can be incredibly difficult to understand why you are having these difficult feelings when you are so happy to be having a baby. Talking about what you’re feeling and thinking will help you to understand why this is happening.

Secondly, it can help you to redefine yourself and your parenting experience. One example - if this trauma stems from being pregnant after miscarriage, you can find a way to exist as both a person who has is terrified of losing the baby and excited by the pregnancy, and you can learn to understand that what has happened does not have to happen again.

You can also learn to make meaning out of your trauma, and how what you have been through can impact your parenting in positive, beautiful ways (i.e a traumatic childhood may lead you to become a conscious, dedicated parent). Processing your trauma can help you to realise your purpose, strength, and resilience.

So, if you're pregnant or a new parent and feeling that something isn’t quite right - reach out.

Let’s talk.