Dealing with Motherhood Anger
Of course some level of anger and frustration can be a normal part of adjusting to a new life with a baby. Motherhood anger, or postpartum rage describes the experience of intense emotion suddenly (and often unexpectedly) arising and erupting to the point it interferes with the daily activities of motherhood.
Perinatal Psychologist, Marie-Claire Sauvage explains that over time, small everyday events may trigger these responses including noises, environmental changes, or new activities. Outbursts of anger can look like: uncontrollable shouting, shaking, or yelling. Some parents report during these episodes they feel like they “lose control of their bodies” with the anger temporarily taking over.
These episodes can be frightening and difficult to understand for all parents, particularly those who may have previously felt like they could handle new or difficult situations well. Intrusions, unwanted thoughts and intense guilt or shame can follow these episodes and get in the way of a parents seeking help.
What to do about motherhood anger?
For whatever reason (known or unknown), if you or your co-parent are experiencing episodes of anger in the context of parenthood, we want you to know you are not alone. One way of helping to prevent anger from becoming rage is to make space for anger, frustration, resentment and jealousy to show up in motherhood. These feelings do not mean you cannot handle motherhood - they are very normal especially in the context of sleep deprivation and hormonal changes.
If you are experiencing repeated episodes of anger or rage, speaking out about your struggle can be the first step towards healing. Let your health care provider, GP or partner know how you are feeling. Whilst these experiences do not necessarily mean you are experiencing postnatal depression or anxiety, your GP can assess your symptoms and refer you to a perinatal psychologist for support if required. Alternatively, your could call a parent line such as PANDA - Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia (1300 726 306) or ForWhen (1300 24 23 22) to discuss your anger and seek connection to the right service for you.
Whilst a good assessment with a health care provider and a tailored support plan is always going to be best, here are some general tips for caring for yourself if you have been experiencing motherhood anger:
Start to recognise in your body when anger is arising - early warning signs of anger can include: short, shallow rapid breaths; beating heart rate, tightness in the body and clammy hands. If you feel anger building in your body; put your baby down somewhere safe like their cot and take a break. Try something to de-arouse your body e.g. 10 slow breaths, notice your five senses (see below). Taking a break and doing something to de-arouse your body can be an important circuit breaker when these episodes arise.
Acknowledge how your are feeling - however you are feeling is OK. Try acknowledging to yourself and loved ones around how you are feeling each day. Anger does not make you a failure and can be a very normal part of motherhood.
Stay connected - anger can be a way of avoiding sadness. Similarly, loneliness can emerge after repeated episodes of anger or rage. Try to stay linked in with you friends, try a mother’s group or check out what your local library offers for mothers and their babies.
Movement Matters - aim for some form of safe daily exercise. If it helps, get your partner to support you with your exercise plan or incorporate your baby into your exercise plan e.g. walking with the pram outside each day.
Make time for a mindful moment - try to diffuse from unhelpful thoughts loops about the past or future. Try grounding yourself in the here and now by noticing your fives senses i.e. - focus on something you can see, hear, smell, taste and touch.
Above all, remember adjusting to parenthood takes time. There is no such thing as motherhood perfection. Make a commitment to yourself to not only take care of your baby, but you too!